Peak annoyance

A little known fact about pre session me is that i can get into this weird head space of getting infuriated at the littlest things.  There's something about the whirl of anticipation, anticipatory guilt, alarm at what will be spent, at what might happen and a desire for everything to be perfect that all combines to make me super antsy. And this sensitivity, this ease of taking offence reaches a peak in the moments before a session.

It's almost as if i am trapped into it and am desperate for a way out and this translates as sensitivity to offence. I don't like, don't want and can barely deal with mind games or button pushing. I want to hear that my play partner is looking forward to it too and little else. Pre play ideas would be nice but aren't essential though acknowledging any i have shared is.

So absence of a response pains me. Being late and flippant about it irritates me beyond belief. Miss used to make jokes at my expense on her door step ('wrong day mate' sort of thing) but now mercifully doesn't for she knows it's a red line for me. I threatened to walk off more than once. And meant it. Silly but true.

Because in the run up to a session i get hypersensitive to any suggestion or feeling  that my partner doesn't really want this. Doesn't care. Whether that's not replying, playing silly buggers or whatever. I care, i want it so much and I'm on tenterhooks. They shouldn't have to care as much as i do but the slightest hint of it being an unwelcome chore or any mucking about before time and i just want to say -

Fine be like that.  Let's just call the whole thing off. I'll go clear the decks myself and save everyone the bother.

Huff.

Puff.

Sniff.

Sob...

But am saved from tears by robustness of others. 'Get in here you idiot!'

Yes Miss.

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